"People pleasing can leave you feeling empty and taken advantage of." Deb Melton
One of the ways fear shows up in our lives and keeps us from living fully is when we become a people pleaser. You know when you are doing it. You pick up the check and put it on your credit card, because you want everyone at the table to admire you and like you more. You say "yes" to your sister who asks you to baby sit for her 3 year old on Sunday afternoon, because you don't want to offend her by saying "no". You agree to help a friend move next weekend, because you'd feel guilty if you did not.
Inherent in people pleasing is an expectation that the favor will be returned and if it is not, you are apt to feel disappointed or resentful. You may say to yourself, "I am always doing nice things for my friends, but they don't seem to notice or be around when I need something." Two things are at work here, inability to say "no" when you want to say "no", and inability to ask for what you want or need. This is how fear keeps us stuck in resentment, anger and disappointment.
Saying "yes", because of fear of loss, when you really want to say "no" allows fear to be in charge of your life, not you. It may not be that your friends and family are inconsiderate jerks! It may be that you are too controlled by fear to say "no". When you learn to value yourself and see that your needs and wants are as valid as anyone else's, you are less likely to fall into people pleasing as a way of getting and keeping friends. When you value yourself you are more authentically you, which makes you more interesting and attractive and, consequently, others will like you and value you more too.
Making a request and asking for what you need or want is one of the best ways to move from a feeling of powerlessness to a feeling of having power over your life and what happens to you. But remember, a request is just that, a request. The other person is not obligated to say "yes"; no matter how close they are to you or how many favors you have done for them in the past. When you make a request with stirrings attached, you are expecting a certain outcome and you may be very disappointed if things do not go as you expected. The key here is to come from a place of open intention, not expectation of a certain outcome.
If you want to be able to be able to live this way and stop living from fear and instead live from freedom and joy, call me and I'll show you how. In a few months you could find yourself living outrageously, being happy, having more fun, feeling more love, living from your passion and feeling a sense of purpose. Many of my clients have found that the support of a coach can make all the difference. Here is what some have said.
"My coaching sessions with you have really turned my life in a more positive direction. You've given me tools and guidance that has benefited me more than all my years of counseling! " Carol Brown, MD
"The biggest gift I have received from your coaching, Deb, is how to trust myself." Kiara D songwriter, NYC
"Deb provided me with gentle support and was confrontive when I needed it. Through the work I did with Deb, I found a sense of freedom like I have never experienced in my life!" Dana M. nurse, OKC
"I think I have been unhappy for a while and trying to blame others for what I am feeling. I realized only I can make me happy. I don't think I would have realized any of this if it had not been for your patient and persistence in coaching me. Thanks so much for helping me get my life back on track!" Mary D. Stock Broker, CO
You may also consider joining an on-the-phone Fear Buster Group I have one starting nearly every month. Call me for details. Deb Melton, Certified Fearless Living Coach 303-986-2223
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Deb Melton is a Certified Fearless Living Coach trained by The Fearless Living Institute with Rhonda Britten of the hit TV show "Starting Over".
Deb is testiment to what fearless living can do for you! Trapped in an unhappy married for 29 years, now divorced she is a ski instructor, hiking guide, world traveler and life and singles coach. To learn more visit her website http://www.denversinglescoach.com
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