If you are knee deep in trying to find a relationship, maintain or sustain a relationship then you need to think seriously about your Fatal Flaws. Not your own mind you, but those that are demonstrated by that really cute guy/girl you are considering getting into "bed" with, literally and figuratively.
Fatal Flaws are the deal breakers for you. They are traits that given a cool head and some common sense, you would say to yourself and anyone else who might listen, "there is no way I could ever be with someone who does this"! Sometimes, you can be alerted to these Fatal Flaws, with your early warning system - Red Flags, but once the Pheromones and Endorphins have been released, and you've started to fall into never never land, those Fatal Flaws don't seem quite so important anymore. Wait a minute Coach Frankie, if we know this, what can we do to stop it?
Well my friend, that's what is coming next, but first, a little lesson in science called "know thyself"!
I want you to take a reality check right now, and I want you to promise that for the next 10 minutes you will think with cool reason instead of with the heat of passion.
Right now you are an objective observer of human behavior, a sociologist in Relationship Land.
As scientists, (remember this from Grade 9) we need to state a hypothesis. Well our Hypothesis states that " A leopard can't change his spots", people for the most part do not change their core "behavior" Their modus operendi so to speak.
So given this as our hypothesis, I want you to make a table of columns and write down on one side- behaviors that you do not want your mate to demonstrate EVER, and on the other side, the traits that you are looking for in your dream mate
Fatal flaws Dream Mate
Lying Always tells the truth
Cheating Believes in fidelity
Coach potatoe Exercises daily
I think you get the idea. When you first meet someone, they may seem perfect at first blush, but it is important to look for the signs on their landscape that will tell you a bit about your future with them. Really listen when they speak. Do they make derogatory comments about other races? Is this something you can live with or not? For me, this would be a fatal flaw. Do they smoke? Unfortunately, this would be a fatal flaw for me as well, unless they were prepared to quit immediately. I don't want the heartache of falling for someone who smokes knowing that I can't stand it. Remember I said to know thyself? Well I know that I would always be on their back to quit and would turn into an unpleasant nag. That is not who I want to be in a relationship and I am sure that this is not an image that you would want to project either. How do you stop it?
Learn to know yourself and your own behaviors.
Once you have finished filling in your table, post it somewhere close by and be true to it. You don't need someone so badly that you have to compromise your values to have them.
I KNOW YOU DON"T!!! No one does.
Be true to yourself. Know in advance what you are willing to compromise on, and what you are not.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
I cannot stress this enough.
When the first red flag appears- ASK your "friend" about it. It may be a misunderstanding and it may not. If it is not a misunderstanding, then bail out,do it quickly and cleanly. This is for your own good. In the end, you will save yourself months of torment and anguish.
When it comes to relationships, it is ok to be selfish. I don't mean that you should be selfish in a relationship, but I do mean you should be selfish (remember that wish list we just completed) while searching for one.
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. anonymous
Frankie Picasso is an Entrepreneur and Customer Service Expert who has spent the past 20 years in Marketing and Customer Service consulting for both Public and Private Sector organizations. She is now a Motivational Speaker, Certified Master Trainer Coach in Leadership and Executive Business Coaching as well as a Professional Certified Life Coach with her company called Conversation with My Shoes.