This morning when I got out of bed, I had some severe issues that have been worrying me.

Friends and family wonder just what I do all day as an American Expatriate. I worry and I am good at it. So I thought I would share with you the life-shattering issues that worry me as an American Expatriate and that have been worrying me to no end.

Worry One: The Rainy Season. The rainy season is almost on us. We have about 6 weeks before all raining hell cuts loose on Guanajuato. So I have to plan just what am I going to do for fun and diversion while it's raining outside and I cannot get out.

I will have to lay in a supply of extra hand towels to pack into the windows. You may not know this but all houses in Guanajuato leak like sieves and you have to stand vigil-day and night-over them when it rains. There is also the waterproofing plastic tape I will need to buy that I use to tape the small pinholes that spring up when I least expect it around the windows frames.

Guanajuato house builders do not build windows well.

My wife and I will also go about, in the next few weeks, checking out about 4,000 new books from the English lending library here so we have something to do between running from window to window checking for leaks.

We plan to do much more writing because that's what we do and because our eyes will be swollen and ready to pop out of our heads from reading all of those books.

Worry Two: My infertile male parakeet. Don't laugh at this. He isn't. We raise Australian parakeets. It is a hobby we had when we lived in the States and have engaged in it afresh here in Guanajuato. We have a male parakeet that is having some difficulty getting his point across to the female-if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Poor Chucho.

We put him with an experienced female who has had two clutches with another male so we know it isn't her. We've tried Chucho with two hens and alas, he isn't getting the hang of things. He tries with all his little parakeet heart but the eggs, which the hen lays, turns out to be no good.

What are we to do?

I wonder if there is parakeet Viagra that we can sprinkle on his food. I've tried talking with him but that doesn't do any good. We coach him and though things look like he's dead-on center during "the process," it's a no-go with infertile eggs.

Are there sex therapists for parakeets? Is he frustrated? Is the hen frustrated? Am I frustrated? Yes, I am!

Worry Three: My two Mexican parakeets. We also have a pair of what we were told are "Mexican parakeets." However, no one, and I mean no one, in Mexico knows what species these birds are.

We hit the Internet and corresponded with a parrot biologist who specializes in the parrots of Mexico. I sent him some pictures and according to this expert, these are NOT Mexican parakeets at all but illegally smuggled Brown-Throated Conures from St. Thomas Island.

Oh that's just great.

We have these two birds, Rickie and Lucy, who are HOT and probably would get me at least 10 years in a Mexican prison bunking with someone named, Bubbito (that's Spanish for Bubba).

We can't unload them because they are our sweet babies and it would traumatize them (and me) to dump them. I won't do it.

I wonder if Bubbito likes chocolate?

So there you have it. I do not lead a life of uncomplicated leisure here in Mexico. I have grave worries and concerns that fill my life with worrisome vexations.

Maybe Chucho needs sex-ed classes?

Doug Bower is a freelance writer and book author. His most recent writing credits include The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Houston Chronicle, and The Philadelphia Inquirer, and Transitions Abroad. He lives with his wife in Guanajuato, Mexico.

His new book, Mexican Living: Blogging it from a Third World Country, can be seen at http://www.lulu.com/content/126241