The question I am asked most often is: I think he/she is getting ready to leave me. What do I do? There isn't an easy answer for this or there wouldn't be any break ups. Every situation is different and sometimes breakups are inevitable. However this is not always the case and there are things you can do before you reach the breaking point that will help.
Here are the 10 most important things:
Communicate. Communication is
important. If you find that when you try to communicate your feelings to your
partner it always leads to an argument, try writing your feelings down. Read
through what you've written. If you find things that are just petty problems
with no real validity, eliminate them. Try to find the sources behind your
words. For example, jealousy, are you jealous because you know he/she is
cheating, or does it go deeper? Did someone cheat on you in the past and now you
don't trust anyone? Is your partner giving you what you need to feel secure?
Once you realize where the feelings are coming from, you can address fixing the
problem.
Resist making accusations.
Approach your partner calmly, without being defensive. Tell him/her the problem.
Don't be accusing or they will become defensive and yes, you will end up in an
argument. If you find it's easier to write it in a letter, then do so. Leave
while they read it so you aren't hovering over them, waiting for their reaction.
Let them process what you have said. Again, do not be accusing. Tell them you
want to make your relationship better. Have suggestions for BOTH of you, not
just them. Be sure you know the core problem and aren't just mentioning a
symptom.
Refrain from insulting your
partner during arguments. Fighting dirty can quickly become a habit and
eventually someone will say something that the other person cannot forget, or
worse, forgive.
Take time to tell your partner why
you love him/her. Not once, but often. This can be something as small as a
compliment on how they look. Your partner needs to know you appreciate them.
Don't just assume they know. Everyone likes to be reminded they are loved.
Be supportive and look for ways to
give your partner the things they need the most. Even if they don't tell you
what they need, you can figure it out if you pay attention. Some people have a
hard time telling you what they need but there are clues. If you're not sure,
ask.
Don't neglect yourself. If
your needs aren't being met, find a way to let your partner know. If you are
unhappy, you will eventually blame your partner. It's much easier to let them
know, in a positive way, the things you need.
Never try to solve a problem when
you are angry. Take time to cool down. I know this can seem impossible at
times but think about it. Is anything ever really solved when you are yelling at
each other?
Set aside some time for just the
two of you. If not once a week, then at least once a month. This should be
quality, alone time, however you two choose to spend it. You might try arranging
a specific day each week and take turns planning what you will do.
Discuss decisions that affect the
both of you and try to find a solution that will keep you both happy. Never
make an important decision that affects you both without talking to your
partner.
Don't Lie! Everyone lies
occasionally. It's in our nature. This isn't an excuse to lie to your partner.
Every time you are caught in a lie, a little more trust is taken away. A healthy
relationship requires trust. Never ever lie about things important to the
relationship. You're better off facing the music if you've done something wrong
then being caught in a lie.
This won't keep you together but it
is important to mention. Know when it's time to leave and make the break.
Don't let anyone use you or abuse you. Most problems can be worked out if both
people in the relationship make an effort to improve things. There are some
exceptions. It's time to leave if the relationship becomes abusive. Do not hope
things will get better because he/she says they will change. Leave! If at some
future time they actually do change, you can consider getting back together
then. Another deal breaker is infidelity. If your partner cheats on you, there
is a good chance that even if you do stay together, the trust that keeps a
relationship alive will be gone. I'm not saying you can't survive it, but it
will take a great deal of effort from both people and your partner will have to
stop. Never give them more than one chance to do so or you will be setting
yourself up for a very destructive emotional roller coaster. If your partner
sees that it's possible to cheat and you will keep forgiving, why would they
change?
?2005 Patricia Fason
Patricia Fason is a writer and poet whose main focus is relationships. For more articles on relationships visit her website dedicated to romance, Sites O Web Romances You. There you will find articles, poetry, romance tips, romantic gifts and much more.