With special events like Valentine's Day coming and going each year, I am reminded how difficult it can be to retain your spirit of who you are when you're a Christian single.

It just sometimes feels like it would be easier to mold yourself into whatever your dating partners want, and then you can get on with living happily ever after.

Become what other people want you to be, date non Christians, etc.

I was recently reminded of this when I met up with a friend for coffee. As energetic, bubby, positive, social, million-miles an hour type of Christian girl, she was telling me about her new boyfriend. They had moved in together, he didn't like to socialize, he was quiet and reserved, and all they did was watch TV.

They didn't even put up a Christmas tree or lights this past holiday season, because he thought it was all a waste of time. This from my friend who usually wears a Santa hat for the entire month of December.

As we chatted, she kept justifying all of the things that they obviously didn't have in common. I then noticed her usually dancing eyes had lost their shine.

How sad, I thought. Why had she given up on her spirit?

During my many years of single life, I attended a workshop where one of the exercises was to write done all of the things that we were looking for in a partner. But in order to do that, we first had to write down all of the things that defined us as people.

This prompted an amazing series of Soul searching questions.

1. What did I believe in?

2. What role did God play in my life?

3. What were my values?

4. What was important to me?

5. On career, did I work to live, or live to work?

6. What did I do for fun?

7. What hobbies did I have?

8. What offended me?

9. What did I consider to be right and wrong, moral and immoral, ethical and unethical?

10. What were my politics?

11. What were my dreams?

12. What goals did I have?

13. What about my family and the desire for more kids?

14. What charities and causes did I support?

By defining what I wanted in another person, I was first clarifying and refining my own self image and my own spirit.

I developed a vision of my Christian singles partner, based on my own definition of what my spirit was (as opposed to the other way around).

I became more and more committed to sustaining my spirit while searching for a partner. As it turned out, when my spirit was challenged by some of the people I dated (if they weren't Christian or if we clashed on any of the answers to the questions above), I had the confidence and inner conviction to politely say good-bye and move onto the next person.

It still took me a long time to find the right person (or rather, she found me). I still had to suffer through a few more Valentine's Days, which always reminded me of my singleness. Yet, I came to realize that it had never been more important to know what I stood for.

You too can do the same. Answer those questions above and understand what you stand for.

Then you can continue your search for like-minded people. The Internet and website personals speeds that whole process up for you, letting you refine your search by specific age ranges, kids or not, divorced or not, white, black, location, income level, career path, values, etc.

Your spirit will truly sing when you start getting to know like-minded people.

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