When I was born in 1962 I thought life was good. I had two parents, a twin sister, and an older brother. We lived in an apartment until my sister and I were eleven, and then we moved into a house. My brother was twenty-one years old so he moved onto his own apartment. I was the luckiest girl in the world.

We were the normal family with chaos and the antics of being a family. I was blessed to have my parents around in my life.

At the age of thirty my parents were still together. Of course their marriage went through their ups and downs, but all marriages develop this kind of turmoil. I don't know a marriage that doesn't go through frustrations that might sometimes end up in divorce. My parents loved each other, so they dealt with the controversies and the marriage burdens of trying to compromise and get to know each other.

I had a best friend in my life, and it was my mother. I loved her so much, and we talked about three or four times a day. I enjoyed communicating with my mother because she was so honest, real, and like an angel in the midst of my life. I was so negative at times, but she kept encouraging me, and was my supportive mode.

My mother believed in my writing, and was also my biggest fan. She read my work, gave her criticism on it, and was adamant in me making all my dreams come true. When I sold my first short story, I was thrilled to be published, but before I could enjoy my success a twist entered my life, and it was the most devastating feeling in the world.

In 1995 my mother left this world. It was a total shock to me when she got sick. My mother never got sick in her life, so I was stunned, but I knew she'd get better. I never thought she would leave me. I nursed my mother back to health, and prayed for her. At times my mother was so sick; I thought she wasn't going to survive. My mother was plump, and when she got sick she lost so much weight. I had a bad feeling that she wasn't going to make it, but I didn't want to think about it.

My mother couldn't hold anything down and she puked most of the time. I didn't know what she was thinking, or how she was feeling. I'd have given anything to know her thoughts. I was so close to her, but again I didn't feel so close to her at all. She'd stare at me for hours on end, and the stare was so deep as if she was looking into my soul, or trying to tell me something.

My mother was very spiritual and religious, and she read the Bible all the time. The last few weeks of her life she'd speak in tongues and it would amaze me when I listened to her. I believed she was talking to God, and had her own communication with him.

I have a feeling that my mother knew she was going to leave this earth, and move onto heaven, but she never discussed it with me. I was planning on her getting better and the things she was going to do, but at times she just stared at me. I never thought she'd leave me.

I believed I was going to have my mother for the rest of my life. I was 35 years old when my mother left me. It was in June of 1995. I was with her on Wednesday taking care of her. She kept staring at me, but she never said that much to me. I never thought anything was going to happen. I went home, and at three o'clock on a Thursday in the morning, my father called me and told me that he couldn't wake my mother up.

I didn't think anything about it because my mother took so much medication, it'd make her sleep for hours. I told him to shake her, and not to panic. He didn't think she was alive, so I called my sister and her boyfriend took us over to my mother's house. My mother was lying in her chair in her house, in her bedroom. She looked like she was sleeping to me, so I shook her a few times, but she didn't wake up. I tried waking her up, and prayed to God that she would wake up, but she just laid there with her eyes closed. I couldn't believe my mother was gone. She just wouldn't wake up. I was so upset as I hugged and embraced her, and asked her to please wake up. "Please don't leave me, mother. I love you so much, and I can't go on without you. Please don't go."

All the crying and the praying didn't help my mother. She was gone. I experienced death in my family with cousins, and when my grandmother died, which was devastation within itself. It's very different when it's your mother and best friend. I never thought it'd happen to me. I was thirty-three years old when my mother left me. Some people said I was blessed to have been grown when she passed because some people lose their mother when they are much younger. It wasn't any consolation to me because when you lose your mother, it doesn't matter what age you are. It's still the most horrible feeling in the world.

My mother had Congestive Heart Failure. She was my best friend, and I miss her like crazy. This twist came into my life, and it left a terrible ache inside of me. I didn't think I was going to survive, and I almost had a heart attack. I asked God to get me through this miserable time in my life because he had to take her, and it was her time. There was nothing I could do about it.

I kept seeing my mother at every turn, and it got to the point that I couldn't go near 87th Street where my mother lived. I'd sit in my apartment and think about my mother constantly; I'd pick up the telephone to call her; and hear her laughter all the time. She was the best mother in the world, and I'd never forget her. Everyone who met my mother adored her. She was like this angel who was only here for sixty-five years, and she brought so much joy to the people she touched. I miss her every day, and my father thinks about her at every turn, also. He's also in his own turmoil of pain missing his wife so much.

It has been ten years since my mother departed this earth, and I have dreams about her, and they are so real to me. She's right there in her house, and everything is the same so many years ago. I'd give anything to go back to the years my mother was alive. I'd do so many things differently.

I never got to say good-bye, and that's what I can't overcome. The first weeks of my mother's death she appeared to me in a dream and told me that everything was okay, and she was fine. She looked so beautiful like she used to look before she got sick. My mother came to me a few more times, and it gave me so much comfort that I was able to go on with my life.

I was so angry at first that God took my mother, and I couldn't understand why he did this to me? Reading the Bible and talking to God helps you to understand the realities of the world, and the twist and turns they take. We all have to experience the trials and tribulations of life because that's just the way it is.

I'm still not over my mother's death, but I know she's in a good place, and she's watching me make my writing dreams come true. She's my angel who keeps me safe, and gives me the strength to move on. She's my guardian angel, and I'll always love my mother.

Her spirit lives on in me, and when the world ends, I know I'll be reunited with her, and all the other members of my family that have passed on. So even when twists and turns enters your life, there is a white light at the end of the tunnel, and it's the most beautiful light in the world, and then some. I can't see my mother in her body form, but I can always remember her, and smile. My mother is very much alive in me, and she'll always be my blessing.

The twists and turns interrupted my life for the moment, but its okay because I still have my mother, and no one can take that away from me. I continue to experience the twists and turns of my life: divorce, losing jobs, financial ruination, dating, working at stressful jobs, writing and rejection, and just everyday living, I constantly pray for serenity and a peace of mind. It's 2005 now and I'm still standing. (1,549)

I am a writer and a reader of books and they both are my passion. Please check out my debut novel, I CONFESS at my website: http://www.freewebs.com/jcarolann

You can also purchase my book at http://www.publishamerica.com

I reside in the windy city.