Get ready everyone, home computers are about to set new LAN speed records! The Intel 64-bit microchip will soon be powering the new line of Pentium 4 computers. This long awaited sizzling fast release will be heading to store shelves across America just in time for the new blazing fast Windows 64-bit operating system. You'll get the 64-bit Pentium microchip, the 64-bit operating system, and that's not all, if you spend all your money, you'll also get all the new 64-bit stellar fast software programs that will leave current versions coughing in the rooster tail of their 64-bit micro-dust.

Yet a startling new poll indicated a majority of respondent(s) were actually upset by the good news from the technology sector.

Here are the fascinating results of the poll:

Respondent(s) gave a 1-10 rating regarding their anticipated personal happiness and productivity that the newer and faster computers would yield. 1 being: "I'm in electronic nirvana, I waited to buy, I was patient and did not up-grade pre-maturely, and now the technology gods have rewarded my computer buying diligence, bestowing upon me a new Intel 64-bit processor, operating system and software as soon as they come out!!" And 10 being: "Don't talk to me I hate you!" The margin of error was +/- 0%. Questionnaires were sent to a scientific sample of 1.

OK it was me. I polled myself. And no I'm not happy. But wait, before you judge me harshly, I should give you some facts about myself that might engender some empathy. First of all, I'm cursed. I don't know how this works, but I hold all power over technological advances. That's right, new technology will not be released to the computer buying public until I finally decide to upgrade...to the old technology. Narcissistic? Hardly. There is a cosmic triggering mechanism that knows. If you happened to be tuned in, it would go a little something like this: "Technology universe heed! Rick has purchased Super Gizmo 3.0. Prepare to launch version 4.0. Wait for my command....Steady... There, he's exceeded the store return policy envelope. Launch upgrade. Brace for impact and greatness of sorrow. That is all."

So I hope you're happy. Because the only reason, that you can go out and buy the new Intel 64-bit P4 wonder machine and all of the wonder programs & software to come, is because I just bought a beautiful 32-bit machine with matching laptop. No, that's ok, you don't have to thank me. It's just a burden that I must carry. I do it stoically and with quiet dignity, normally, but this is a revolutionary advance, a tectonic shift in computing acceleration and I'm going to wail out loud, because I just can't go out and buy another computer and stay married! At least that's how she interprets the vows.

Oh...you think I make too much of this do you? Perhaps. But for those of you who may not be as, how should I say...techno hip... let me explain the speed differential between the present 32-bit sludge processors (like the one I just bought...twice) and the new sleek Intel 64-bit miracle maker.

Picture languishing in a huge super Wal-Mart with two hundred bargain happy shoppers squeezing through 32 cash registers at once. And just to make it really painful, some have price checks and questionable coupons. See yourself in line. A long line. And all you can do to pass the time is inch along reading the "13 Things Wives Never Tell Their Husbands". After awhile, you might get close enough to see another magazine cover with a picture of Jennifer, ...the exact moment she found out about Brad. Go ahead judge Brad, you've got the time. You can even manufacture some contempt for that vixen Angelina. You're not going anywhere, no one is going anywhere. They've only got 32 cash registers open!

Suddenly, one of the cashiers feels the heat, fumbles for the microphone, and makes a garbled announcement. It must be in code, because no one can understand it, yet the next thing you know, everyone is tossing magazines and trampling children, nuns, & puppies. Why? I'll tell you why. Because 32 more cashiers are now open for the next person in line! That makes a grand total of 64 cashiers "processing" transactions instead of 32! The line is moving fast..."Come on people, we're all going home!" And that my friend is how the new Intel 64-bit microchip works. Do you see now why I mourn?

"The analogy is brilliant", you might say, "but how does that translate into reality?" Well, the average home computer user will now be able to print a letter at .005 nanoseconds instead of .006! Think of it. You'll be pulling out your letter from the printer, while I'll still be be pulling out my letter from the printer too, but a whole .001 nanoseconds behind, unless I come up with an ingenious "low tech" way to make up the difference and win.

So go ahead, buy the faster computer, see if I care, I don't mind. One day I'll have that 64-bit, right before the 128's come out. And perhaps you'll be standing with me, in 64-bit hell, wanting my Cosmo, but no, I'm not done reading it yet. I still need to find out the "22 Secrets of True Passion and How To Enlighten Your Idiot Man." And then we'll see who mourns, when I look you in the eye and say, "Go find your own magazine!"

Rick David writes a humor column entitled, "Don't Laugh, It Could Happen To You!" for http://sandiego.merchantamerica.com