Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take time.

The good news is that in the more than 20 years I've been helping people put a marriage back together after an affair, I have never seen a couple where both partners really wanted to heal their marriage who could not.

Here's a map on how to rebuild trust that I call the Trust Scale.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 the lowest and 10 the highest, what is the current level of trust? Let's say it's a 2. Decide on what you would each need to see to move the trust level from 2 to 3, then 3 to 4, 4 to 5 and so on.

As you both look at how this could happen, you need to focus on affair-proofing your marriage for the future.

Make the marriage your No. 1 priority. Get into couples counseling if you are not already. Go to a good weekend marriage retreat and then commit to doing this at least once a year. Study your spouse, and then use your knowledge to improve the marriage.

Do all you can to make the marriage a really great place to be. Remember that the goal is not to make it like it was before, but to make it better than it was before.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e special report on the 10 Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.