Once upon a time, I fretted about going to a family wedding because I was ? gasp ? 142 pounds. I am five foot three. The ideal weight for me was 115 pounds using that old rule of thumb for women ? 100 pounds for the first five feet and then five pounds per inch after that. I think I was a size 11.

I still remember the dress I wore. Red and white squares in a very 70s pattern. Just past the flower child stage and slightly reminiscent of the art deco style. I was almost sick at the thought of going to the wedding looking like a whale. Ha ha ha ha. If I knew then what I know now, it would have been sheer joy. Today, my goal is to get down to 150 pounds.

I really chunked up in my thirties and decried the paternalistic pressures to be thin. I embraced my voluptuousness. I was healthy. What more did I want?

Well, I can tell you now what more I could have wanted? I could have wanted the kind of sense of self that would allow me to say to the men I met, hey, just because I am fat does not mean I am willing to settle for second best. I could have wanted to believe my own b.s. about my size. I could have wanted my blood pressure to remain low. I could have wanted to be taken seriously when I went into the boss's office to say I had a problem with a co-worker. (It was really bad and I had to say something. She was and is a very slender and attractive woman and that was the issue as far as the boss was concerned. The real issue was something else entirely but as I stood there, I saw myself as my boss saw me. Wake up call!! Woo hoo. Reality calling Joanne.

A long time ago, ironically, I studied nutrition at university. Right up to the point of taking chemistry courses to understand it. I should have studied psychology as well. I know the facts of life. Garbage in ? big fat bum.

The one thing I did do right is know that just because I am plus size, I need to wear pretty things. Still I have trouble finding pants that fit. Short legs, wide hips. Ha. Wide, did I say? Well. I was visiting this buddy of mine who is a creative genius with the sewing machine and asked him to measure me up for pants. Hips? Fifty-four inches. And I was mortified at the size 11 dress I wore to that wedding so long ago. Where did I go wrong?

I intellectualized myself into all kinds of nonsense so I have begun to intellectualize myself out of the same nonsense. I have tried so many diets over the years, I consider myself just about an expert in what works and why. Over at my Chaos Queen site, http://chaosqueen.biz, I share my best research with you, along with some ways to look gorgeous while you work your way into fine shape.

Joanne Reid's reviews of the best and worst diets can be read at http://chaosqueen.biz. It's her opinion that as the Chaos Queen, everything is her business. Her sisters are too grown up now for her to boss around and for some reason, her friends have all taken assertiveness training and smile nicely when she offers advice on how they should run their lives.